Because it’s Monday, and I Can

Well, it’s Monday again, and I spent the whole weekend eating pizza and sushi and cookies and drinking beer and doing taxes and BOY HOWDY am I glad that’s all over (the taxes part, I mean) (because pizza, sushi, cookies and beer ROCK). And because it’s Monday, and because The Good Life is hosting Monday Listicles, and because, as I’ve previously mentioned, I love a good list, here’s a new one. Stasha’s topic this week was “CELEBRITIES: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US” (a la US Weekly), but once I started writing I realized I don’t really want celebrities to be like me, because that would make my People really, really boring. So, instead, here are my top ten dream jobs (because, well, I can).


1. Nail Polish Namer: When was the last time you had a mani/pedi? And did you marvel at the name on the bottom of the bottle? Lincoln Park After Dark? Pussy Galore? Brazilian Wax Gone Bad? Okay, I made that last one up (see, y’all? TRUE. TALENT). I’ve been wearing I’m Not Really a Waitress since I was, in fact, a waitress, but I may finally switch to the new OPI Texas Collection shade Suzi Loves Cowboys. Because, well… duh.

Oh, and OPI: Call me.

2. Starbucks Taste-Tester: Because: obviously. Also, I’d never have to sleep again. WINNING.

3. Island Sitter: No joke, this was a real thing in New Zealand or somewhere similarly tropical (okay, I did a little research and found the info here. FOR REAL, YO.). You had to make a video and be charming and intelligent and look good in a swimsuit. As you might guess, I didn’t get the job.

4. Suri Cruise’s Personal Biographer: Don’t you want to be a fly on the wall in that house? As a bonus, I’d walk around all day humming Highway to the Danger Zone. As a double-added bonus, I think Katie (Kate? Katie? PICK A NAME, ALREADY.) is still besties with Pacey. That’s right, I said it: PACEY.

5. Ditto (4), sub Ryan Reynolds for Suri: Because, well, see (2).

6. GOOP editor: Oh Gwynnie. For whom do you write this drivel? I’d receive your latest copy recommending the mother-to-be needs $164 bassinet sheets and J-Brand maternity skinny jeans, and send it back to you suggesting that a mother-to-be, in fact, needs a functioning diaper genie, two comfortable nursing bras and a long nap.

7. Published Novelist: I don’t need awards. Really, I don’t even need to get paid all that much (although don’t get me wrong, major publishing houses. I won’t turn your dollars away.). Hey, a girl can dream.

8. Professional Soccer Player: I could run around sweaty and gross in my sports bra, be a role model for little girls AND get to meet David Beckham. And I’m already well-qualified for one-third of those requirements!

9. Donald Trump: Because once, just once, I want to fire somebody on The Celebrity Apprentice. Preferably Aubrey O’Day, but I’d also accept Lisa Lamapanelli or Victoria Gotti (can we bring her back just for that purpose?). Also, because I really want to tell Don, Jr. to LAY OFF THE HAIR PRODUCT ALREADY.

10. Dane’s Mommy: Ahhhhh, that’s right: I’ll stick with my day job.

Dee. Lish.

Smooch -s


16 thoughts on “Because it’s Monday, and I Can

  1. He is dee.lish indeed. Can I be your PA in job #2? Also I am assuming you met David back in England?
    Smashing list. Like always. You make me heart Mondays even more!

    • why, thank you. i missed last week because of THE MUCUS THAT NEVER ENDS, and it made me sad, sad, sad. so glad you do this linky because it is the most fun! and yes, i could tell you all about becks but he made me sign a non-disclosure statement and also, i think posh might shoot me. 🙂

  2. ah Goop. first-ever blog written by a fish-stick. or rather, the minions of a fish-stick. have you heard her claim that she wrote her cookbook ALL BY HERSELF? her ghostwriter was rather surprised to hear this information. and if you haven’t already, look at her article on “help for working moms,” written without a single hint of irony, despite the fact that the working moms in question are some mondo-CEO, Gwynnie herself, and Stella McCartney. Tip #1: be born the daughter of a Beatle. Seriously. It’s wildly helpful in achieving that life-work balance. sheesh. Dane’s mom is probably a waaay better job.

    • HAHAHAHAHAH, you always have the best comments because OHMYGOD she is TOTALLY a fish stick. easily the best part of GOOP (and why i read it at all) is the utter and complete lack of irony and self-awareness. i mean: apple? really?

      • umm, what is with the dissing of Apple? Go back to, oh say…1979…sweet little kitten…Apple totally rocks.

    • aw, thanks. he makes me pretty happy, i must say. although i could write one hell of a biography of ryan reynolds, if only he would let me stay at his house for a while (hmmm, and maybe not tell my husband…).

  3. Haha! I still call Joshua Jackson Pacey. I love him on Fringe and I know he’s all grown up, but he is so stuck with Pacey.
    I would want to be a fly on the wall at that Cruise home too. I bet you can’t frown in that house or be sad, Like there’s some force field to prevent it.

    • right? i think there’s a space pod under tom’s bed. he’ll be the first to jet to outer space if whatever the scientologists believe is the end actually comes!

  4. Great list. When you become GOOP editor, please get a fact checker who knows their stuff. If you’re gonna publish it at least get it right.
    I’ll be island sitting.


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