Revised: Because If Tim Gunn AND Target Can’t Fix It, We’re All Screwed

On Friday, I was inspired by my husband to make this list about the needs of women in our household (all one of them) (yes, that would be me and MAN do we need a dog). Anyway, I spent all weekend thinking about needs and wants and realized, why, I left few things out. So in honor of women everywhere (on International Women’s Day, by the way!), here’s my:

BRAND NEW FABULOUS EXPANDED LIST OF THE NEEDS OF WOMEN IN THE SFB MOMMYHOOD

1. The Basics: A housekeeper, a chef, a personal masseuse and aesthetician and a litter carried by shirtless men to cart me from room to room with my child. Oh, and a bartender with a margarita machine. And subsequently, a car and driver.

2. Health and Wellness, Part I: And because, let’s face it, it would be a favor to the world, a hangover pill.

3. A Good Dodgeball Team: Also, Tim Gunn in my kitchen, preferably with a margarita in one hand and a tall Starbucks mocha in the other. And as long as we’re picking teams a la 5th grade dodgeball, I will also take: Stacy and Clinton for additional fashion advice, Tom Colicchio, Bill Clinton and Jenny from The Bloggess as drinking buddies, Ryan Reynolds as eye candy and Peyton Manning, because, well, every girl needs a nice ass.

4. Nuclear Fusion…: Also-also in my kitchen, a Starbucks. And as I mentioned last week, to go there (yes, to the Starbucks in my kitchen) not wearing fleece-lined crocs, ripped jeans and a Matrix-reject overcoat from Denmark, and then see everyone I know within a fifteen-mile radius. Which will totally work because did I mention THE STARBUCKS IS IN MY KITCHEN.

5. …which would bring about world peace…: A Target Red Card with an unlimited credit limit. Because I’m pretty sure I could avert nuclear oblivion with a box of magic erasers, a foam-shaped axe from the dollar bin and two-dozen AAA batteries.

7. …and land me a good foot rub: And then to be given a foot massage for averting said nuclear oblivion, or at least for sweeping the kitchen floor and opening two cans of soup for dinner, by at least one of the men in my household. I’ll take Ryan Reynolds.

8. Health and Wellness, Part II: For brownie batter, chocolate chip cookies, my mom’s icing and Diet Sunkist to be healthy.

9. Cultural Relevance: And while we’re at it, for jazz hands, Sweet Valley High, baggy jeans, babydoll dresses, big flannel shirts, Top Gun, Garbage Pail Kids and ’90’s music to be relevant again. Also, Units. Can somebody bring back Units? And for someone to send Nicki Minaj to Siberia. Or Mars.

10. And finally… So wouldn’t you know it, I write up my whole snarky list here and then I come home from yoga last night to find this in my backyard:

 Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, y’all, be still my caffeine-deprived heart. Also, did you think it would be Ryan Reynolds? Or, at the least, a puppy? 🙂

So: 10. See Above.

That is all.

Smooch -s

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19 thoughts on “Revised: Because If Tim Gunn AND Target Can’t Fix It, We’re All Screwed

  1. I want No. 5 – and I’m pretty sure that I could buy everything else on the list with the Target Red Card. That’s because I’m all for world peace, yeah, that’s right, it has nothing to do with the fact that I love Target and want to move into one of their stores…

    • As long as I’m making the rules, I say we get an infinite amount of time for payoff. I’m pretty sure they already have all of Dane’s college tuition, anyway. 🙂

  2. I approve of all of the above. If those AAA are rechargeable, you are unstoppable. I want SBux in my kitchen too. I even have the barista pick out already.
    Love to meet you, you are funny so I like you. Love at first read 🙂

    • why thank you, i often think i’m just a big old internet windbag with a penchant for overusing Caps Locks (and see, now I’ve gone and overshared and you totally won’t like me anymore!). if you bring the barista, i’ll bring the espresso. also, randomly, i have a close friend who lived on whidbey island (sort of on top of the West Coast, perhaps nearby?) – it’s one of my favorite places in the world. only back then i’m pretty sure coupeville didn’t have a starbucks…

    • right? and imagine if it were ryan reynolds (or similar)… not knocking my husband, of course, but with his view on feet, he might be just as happy to have someone else rub my feet. 🙂

      • Aw, I always wanted to be Jessica. I KNOW. Dude, I KNOW, ok? But maybe it’s because I’m already in real life so Elizabethesque? Maybe?

        Or maybe just because I’m a shallow brat who loves unicorns.

      • oh alyssa, we are so meant to be. see, i’m pretty sure that i actually turned out to BE jessica wakefield (which may mean you never want to hang out with me ever ever again. but i will still write your name all over my trapper keeper in a totally NON STALKER WAY, i promise) (also, unicorns ROCK). i just commented elsewhere that i secretly want to be friends with angelina jolie, which apparently means i am sentenced to the ninth circle of feminist hell. perhaps your goodwakefield influence will rub off on me?

  3. Pingback: Upside-Down Funking and Other Musings. | SmushyFace, Baby

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