On Friday, I was inspired by my husband to make this list about the needs of women in our household (all one of them) (yes, that would be me and MAN do we need a dog). Anyway, I spent all weekend thinking about needs and wants and realized, why, I left few things out. So in honor of women everywhere (on International Women’s Day, by the way!), here’s my:
BRAND NEW FABULOUS EXPANDED LIST OF THE NEEDS OF WOMEN IN THE SFB MOMMYHOOD
1. The Basics: A housekeeper, a chef, a personal masseuse and aesthetician and a litter carried by shirtless men to cart me from room to room with my child. Oh, and a bartender with a margarita machine. And subsequently, a car and driver.
2. Health and Wellness, Part I: And because, let’s face it, it would be a favor to the world, a hangover pill.
3. A Good Dodgeball Team: Also, Tim Gunn in my kitchen, preferably with a margarita in one hand and a tall Starbucks mocha in the other. And as long as we’re picking teams a la 5th grade dodgeball, I will also take: Stacy and Clinton for additional fashion advice, Tom Colicchio, Bill Clinton and Jenny from The Bloggess as drinking buddies, Ryan Reynolds as eye candy and Peyton Manning, because, well, every girl needs a nice ass.
4. Nuclear Fusion…: Also-also in my kitchen, a Starbucks. And as I mentioned last week, to go there (yes, to the Starbucks in my kitchen) not wearing fleece-lined crocs, ripped jeans and a Matrix-reject overcoat from Denmark, and then see everyone I know within a fifteen-mile radius. Which will totally work because did I mention THE STARBUCKS IS IN MY KITCHEN.
5. …which would bring about world peace…: A Target Red Card with an unlimited credit limit. Because I’m pretty sure I could avert nuclear oblivion with a box of magic erasers, a foam-shaped axe from the dollar bin and two-dozen AAA batteries.
7. …and land me a good foot rub: And then to be given a foot massage for averting said nuclear oblivion, or at least for sweeping the kitchen floor and opening two cans of soup for dinner, by at least one of the men in my household. I’ll take Ryan Reynolds.
8. Health and Wellness, Part II: For brownie batter, chocolate chip cookies, my mom’s icing and Diet Sunkist to be healthy.
9. Cultural Relevance: And while we’re at it, for jazz hands, Sweet Valley High, baggy jeans, babydoll dresses, big flannel shirts, Top Gun, Garbage Pail Kids and ’90’s music to be relevant again. Also, Units. Can somebody bring back Units? And for someone to send Nicki Minaj to Siberia. Or Mars.
10. And finally… So wouldn’t you know it, I write up my whole snarky list here and then I come home from yoga last night to find this in my backyard:
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, y’all, be still my caffeine-deprived heart. Also, did you think it would be Ryan Reynolds? Or, at the least, a puppy? 🙂
So: 10. See Above.
That is all.