We’re at the end of a rough sleep cycle at Casa Smushy. Dane’s an early riser and he goes through two-week periods of five a.m. wakeups (and then flips for two weeks to six a.m., which seems so, I don’t know, luxurious, after the two weeks of fives) (also, I used to get up at five a.m. to work out, back when I still had a, you know, job, and oh how I wish I could go back and smack my younger self.). Anyway, when Dane wakes up early, I wake up earlier, which I’m sure has nothing to do with keeping the baby monitor six inches from my head. Plus, I’m a night person, so add all that up and every two weeks I go and get all tired-like and then wreck my car (and write a really confusing blog post about it) or say something asinine to a total stranger.
Anyway. So I’m at the tail end of this cycle, and I’m all-exhausted-yadayadayada, and I’ve been fighting naps at naptime because I have, you know, bills to pay and a life to lead and such (read: I like to shower with no-one else in the room) (at least once a week) (HA.). I’m telling all this to the husband last night, and per his normal, rational self, he starts going on about what I really need to do for myself, like, you know, eat real food and go to bed early. Uh-huh. And it hits me that, while food and basic bodily functions are lovely, they’re not really in my wheelhouse. Instead, because it’s Friday and I can, I present to you the five ACTUAL basic needs of the ‘hood. Enjoy the weekend, friends.
(As mentioned above) THE FIVE BASIC NEEDS OF THE SFB MOMMYHOOD
1. A housekeeper, a chef, a personal masseuse and aesthetician and a litter carried by shirtless men to cart me from rroom to room with my child. Oh, and a bartender.
1b. And maybe a car and driver. See above.
1b1. Also, Tim Gunn with a margarita in one hand and a tall Starbucks mocha in the other.
1c. Also-also, a Starbucks in my kitchen.
1d. And to go there (yes, to the Starbucks in my kitchen) not wearing fleece-lined crocs, ripped jeans and a Matrix-reject overcoat from Denmark, and then see everyone I know within a fifteen-mile radius. Which will totally work because did I mention THE STARBUCKS IS IN MY KITCHEN.
That is all.