Today, friends, is my birthday.
I’m not going to tell you how old I am. It’s not so bad but it’s not so great either and all in all, I have a pretty good thing going here, so I probably shouldn’t bitch about it. Instead of writing a wordy, whiny, grumpy post about crow’s feet and hip thickness and my inability to remember words like disconcerting, I’m going to do one of my favorite things and make a list. Yep, I’m a regular Dave Letterman up in here, only with, you know, more hair. And not so funny. Anyway, I present, for your reading pleasure:
THINGS I REFUSE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ON MY BIRTHDAY
1. Two grande Starbucks. Yes, TWO. And that for the first one I accidentally left my wallet at the house and the girl gave it to me for free and I’m totally not going back to pay for it. Happy Valentine’s Day to me.
2. At least one piece of Starbucks marble cake, a Gigi’s cupcake, the Italian food I’m planning on for dinner, and putting Sweet Baby Ray’s on my turkey sandwich. Because y’all, that stuff is GOOD, and because, well, I CAN.
3. Reading gossip blogs while Dane’s having lunch. Also, that I skipped book club not because I had a previous engagement but because the memoir of Queen Noor sounded as interesting to me as a turkey sandwich without Sweet Baby Ray’s.
4. That I no longer fit into my favorite jeans without doing the hairband trick at the button. Similarly, that I’m going to spend upwards of $70 bucks on a pair of Spanx leggings, because, let’s face it, that’s an INVESTMENT IN MYSELF, people.
5. The five baskets of laundry on my couch, the sheets and towels possibly molding in my drier, the curtain rod hanging limply off my dining room window, and the 7,000 other things on my to do list that are just not getting done today.
6. A possible third Starbucks as a chaser to the Italian food.
7. Ditto #5 only substitute “piles of stuff on my desk” for the household chores.
8. My lack of churchgoing, frustration with slow drivers, gossipy-ness and in general, all the moral shortcomings that, at night, I pray for the strength to overcome, and to which I immediately succumb during the day.
9. Toddlers & Tiaras, Teen Mom 2 and all the other crappy reality television shows that I’m going to waste countless hours and brain cells on over the next year just so I feel better about myself in comparison.
10. And finally, most importantly, today I will not feel guilty about my screw-ups as a mom, especially my propensity to get over anxious, which I am certain will create a long term complex in my child requiring years of therapy and hundreds of thousands of dollars to overcome. You’re welcome, baby.
IN FACT: Not only am I not going to feel guilty today, I’m going to instead congratulate myself on (completely inexplicably) raising an awesome wee smushy who thinks bodily functions are hilarious, Anna Dewdney is a rock star, does the twist at any hint of music (Brad Paisley! Sam Cooke! A USAA commercial!) and who loves his daddy, his family, Puppy and Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies just as much as I do.
Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all. Smooch -s